Channel 5′s Fox Sports created Being Liverpool documentary premièred to contrasting opinion last week, but Lenny Boyle (@Lenny_Boyle) loved it from the start. Here’s his interesting review of what happened this week with Rodgers and co.

Episode two of Being Liverpool is a window into Brendan Rodgers’ soul. At times he seems supportive and caring to the point of absurdity. When he tells Jonjo Shelvey, “You’ve got all the tools.” He presumably means from B&Q because he can’t be talking about football.

Or when he congratulates his team for getting a “Result” in a pre-season game. Well done on the “Result”. Seriously, congrats on the “Result”. Rodgers falls into a gunge tank of absurdity when you realise, wait a fuckin’ minute, it was a draw. We’re calling draws “Results” now?

When did we start doing that? Spare the player’s feelings. The word draw may have negative connotations for them. Bless. We must consider their self-esteem. From now on draws are “Results”

Football is a “Results” business.

For someone who sounds like he’s doing a permanent Liam Neeson impersonation, Rodgers isn’t adverse to dropping in the odd bit of management speak. That is until 17-year-old Raheem Sterling starts fucking with him. Sterling replies, “Steady” to one of Rodgers’ training ground instructions.

What? Wait a fuckin minute here. Did that wee prick say steady? Did he really just say steady?

And with that word Rodgers transforms from the fifth most annoying business wank on the Apprentice to one of those mad bastards they paint on the side of council houses in Norn Iron. He goes into full Neeson mode. Gone the impersonation. Full bore, unadulterated, ball swinging, whisky drinking, dead wife mourning, Rob Roy kilt wearing, son of a gun.

Rodgers gets all TAKEN up inside his arse hole.

“I don’t know who you are, Raheem Sterling. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you promise not to do it again, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

Rodgers on a visit to a plush US strippers! (via motdgoals.com)

Jesus Christ Brendan mate take it easy.

Then Brendan takes out a glock and goes on a bloody rampage shooting fuck out of everybody. Blood gushes from burst arteries. Heads explode in a shower of gore. Players and coaching staff alike defecate in fear. Shite totally squirting from their shorts.

“You lousy son of a bitch!” Brendan screams as he empties his clip into the chest cavity of a cleaning lady. Her face aghast. Thick arterial blood, so dark it looks almost purple, oozing from a pulsing wound. She calls for Jesus (pronounced HAYZOOS) her grandson. It’s Jesus’ birthday. He eagerly awaits his grandmother in the one bedroom apartment they share. Paper party hat atop his head.

She is more than just a grandmother. She is raising Jesus after a freak vending machine accident killed his parents. Now the kid has no one and is destined to live under a bridge, selling his body for a few bucks and a hit of crystal meth.

I was quite shocked watching it. I didn’t think Being Liverpool would degenerate into ultra-violence. I’m not saying it was rubbish. I’d definitely watch it again.

The lesson here is don’t say steady to Brendan Rodgers’ or he’ll go on a bloody grandmother-killing rampage consigning innocent teens to lives as bridge-dwelling, anal sex monkeys. The guy has seen TAKEN too many times.

But the death of a Hispanic cleaning lady was not the most disturbing image episode two gave the world. No. And the next bit isn’t even made up.

This image: Jay Spearing, talking to camera, lying across a hotel double bed. I couldn’t focus on what he was saying. Something about football, presumably, or perhaps Liverpool Football Club.

No, I wasn’t taking it in.

Because Jay Spearing’s head is a bollock.

His bald head resembles nothing more than the male gonad. This is what balls do, according to Wikipedia, “The primary functions of the testes are to produce sperm (spermatogenesis) and to produce androgens, primarily testosterone.”

The primary function of Jay Spearing’s head is to produce sperm (spermatogenesis) and to produce androgens, primarily testosterone. Because his head is a bollock.

His head is perfectly round and squidgy like a bollock. The disturbing nature of the image was in no way diminished by Jay spread across the bed all floppy like some sort of scouse scrotum. It was minging.

It’s got to the point where we must consider, is Jay Spearing a unique life form? Evolved along parallel lines to our own? On behalf of Talking Baws, I demand a DNA test, the public deserves to know, is Jay Spearing a man? Or, is he a bollock? Or some sort of bollock/man hybrid?

Until this matter of national importance is resolved, I for one wouldn’t be comfortable with Jay Spearing near any of my women folk. Because his head is a bollock.

And a bunch of other stuff happened as well.

Has Brendan Rodgers been watching too much Taken? Are there any other players who have similarities to a human body part? You can tweet us @talkingbaws or comment below. Be sure to check out Lenny Boyle’s Being Liverpool stories next week.